A Letter to My 3rd Trimester Body

I feel a bit bad writing this to you since we were on such good terms the past couple months.  Yes, I have finally forgiven you for the issues from 1^st trimester.  You finally understood that nausea all day long was just not working.  Puking to every little smell that didn’t please you was putting a serious cramp in my day.  I never thought I’d say that I now enjoy changing my son’s poopy diapers just for the fact that I don’t have to chuck my breakfast into the waste basket while doing it.  So, I really tried to give you the benefit of the doubt thinking we were on better terms with one another.  But, here we are again.  And I have some serious issues to discuss with you…

I think you have gone overboard with the “glow” everyone talks about one having during pregnancy.  You have taken it way too literally.  To “glow” does not mean sweat out of every pore in your body.  Under boob sweat is not attractive.  I will leave it at that.

Now, what is going on with the vagina pain?  Seriously.  I feel like someone has hit me with a baseball bat straight to the groin.  You have reduced me to having to hold on to the ledge of my dresser just to put my underwear on in the morning.  My pride is gone—especially when my husband has to help.   

I am drained.  You have made me think sitting on the couch all day is the only way to survive.  Yet, that is just not a viable option.   Please give me some energy back.  It feels like a huge triumph just to get the kitchen cleaned.   I know you would like me to sleep all day long.  That would be just dandy, huh? Well life goes on and I need you to buck up and get moving!

And how? Just how do you justify yourself making me feel exhausted all day long, yet once night comes, insomnia kicks in?!  I have gone to great lengths to make you feel comfortable.  I have taken up most of the king size bed that I share with my husband for you.  I have bought a very expensive pillow just for you.   I have my own blanket at night since you can’t make up your mind whether you are cold or hot, or dripping with sweat… all for you.  I have kept the “throw” pillows on the bed just so I can lay in more of an incline so I can breathe better for you.   So, why then do you feel the need to keep me up half the night?  I lay looking at the clock watching the hours go by because I am so uncomfortable.  And, then.  Say I do FINALLY get comfortable, or at a place I think will give me the rest I need, YOU HAVE TO GO PEE!  Can’t a woman catch a break!  These bathroom trips are seriously getting excessive.   

 

Ahhh… the bathroom.  We have become good friends.  Now, nearing the end of this pregnancy, I make constant trips, which are usually all teasers.  Please, just wait a bit for when the bladder is actually full.  Do not be deceived by the little baby pressing on it. 

Can we talk about diet for a second?  Don’t you know that vegetables, fruit and protein are all things you need to be healthy and keep that baby healthy?  Then why?  Why do you crave sugar and carbs!?  The grocery store has been a serious challenge.  I would like to have some sort of will power when I go, yet it’s like you put a trance over me.  I don’t know how you do it, but somehow those chocolate muffins and popsicles sneak their way into the cart.  I know you are behind this!  Please. I am nearing the end.  My maternity clothes don’t even fit!  My husband’s shirts don’t cover this belly.  Can you just crave some dang broccoli?

 

And lastly, all these physical ailments have definitely put me in that category of “grump”.  I try so hard to be pleasant.  My husband constantly asks me, “What’s wrong”.  I know he’s just trying to show he cares, but even the very question makes me cringe.  I respond with various answers each time, trying not to make a big deal, but this is what I’d really like to say...

"What do you think is wrong? You idiot. Don’t you see this huge watermelon I’m carrying around? How would you like to walk around with what feels like a giant bowling ball attached to your abdomen all day? I’m pregnant!  And that means a whole heck of a lot of things that I don’t feel like explaining to you!” 

So, in the efforts to NOT EVER say that to my husband, and save my marriage, let’s start to work together on this a bit.

So here’s my final plea:  Can you please ease up on all these symptoms?  We are almost there.  The home stretch.  I do not doubt the miracle you are making.  And I know it’s worth every ache and pain you present to me.  But, I’m begging you.  I can’t take much more of this.  Focus on keeping that baby healthy and try, just try, to help a mama out!  Thank you for listening. I really think together we can make some positive changes!

Wait.  What’s that?  You’re tired? Tired of trying to remember certain words to type that usually come to you so simply?

Yea. Ok, let’s go.  I think there’s a place on the couch to rest and a chocolate muffin with your name on it.