...Headed Toward a New Season...

As I've grown older, I've come to embrace the important seasons in my life. I'm not talking about summer or fall, but a period of time in one's life. It may be a season of waiting, learning, joy, hardship, or even pain. It's life's circumstances, or I should say, God's will, that bring us these seasons, and it's at the Cross where these seasons are given meaning.

As I write this, I try to figure out just what to call this season I've had the past 3 1/2 years as a stay-at-home-mom and housewife.  Talking about it with my husband, we couldn't believe that so much time has passed and I've been in this season of child-rearing and house managing for really longer than either of us thought.  And all I could say to him was, "I felt like I was just surviving most of the time." In reality I was doing just fine. But through being pregnant, breastfeeding and caring for young ones, many days felt like survival mode. I went through so many whirlwinds of emotions trying to navigate my life, find my place, and find my worth that it was pretty exhausting.  But while that navigation was taking place, I was growing.

Many of our days were spent exploring our backyard.

Reflecting back, I think the best word to describe this season would be, "growth".

I grew as mother. Heck. I became a mother. But I grew to love others more than myself and for the first time I understood selflessness. I grew more confident, patient, and threw judgment of others out the window.

I grew as a wife. My husband and I both had to adjust to a new life and world with kids. We learned how to communicate and understand both our needs. We grew to rely on each other which deepen our bond. (And learn to appreciate that a date night might come in the form of left-overs at the kitchen table while the kids are asleep.)

A couple hours at the beach always cured any cabin fever -- and a Friday afternoon tradition with Daddy. 

I grew as a friend. I became more connected as I realized more than ever that I needed those relationships -- and in different ways than I needed my husband. I treasure those women.

I grew as a sister. I bonded with my older sister about motherhood and we closer now than ever before.

I grew as a daughter. Having children gave me a better understanding of my parents and the sacrifices they made for me and my sister. I have such gratitude toward them.

I grew closer to my Lord. I've been his daughter for a long time, but I've had to lean on Him more times in these past 3 years than ever before. And not that they've been my hardest years, but they've come with such newness and vulnerability that I didn't want to navigate this new life without Him.

And that last one has been my most important growth--where all others are void if I'm not growing in Him.  I can do things that scare me and learn to face my fears head-on because I'm learning to let God lead the way instead of tackling things on my own.

Playground and picnics were constantly on our schedule!

Once my second son was born, I knew most likely I'd go back to work. But I didn't know what that looked like. Teaching? Doing something part-time? I was scared of the unknown. So I started to pray. My prayers were kinda like this:

"Lord, should I go back to work? Is my place still here with the boys during the day? Where are you calling me, Lord? I give it to you."

Of course at times I would day dream about what I thought would be nice for our family, and I remember telling those close to me, "In a perfect world, I'd like to teach at the great Christian private school near our home and have my children go there." But I didn't pray for that. I just kept praying for Him to reveal what would be best for our family. Not my wants, but His.

I started applying for jobs in early February. I applied to a women's shelter who needed a tutor, my former public school I taught at for 3 years, and a a handful of Christian private schools to see if I'd get any bites.

The women's center job looked promising yet the hours were going to keep me away from my husband and family at night, and I knew this job needed to work for all of us.

I interviewed at a wonderful Christian private school where I sent my resume although they had no openings at the time. And still don't.

I also interviewed at my former school and they offered me the position, yet I didn't need to give them a confirmation right away. So I didn't.

I just kept praying. All obvious signs led to taking my former job. I knew the people there. I knew what was asked of me there. I was comfortable there. But if I've learned anything in this season, it's to break down the comfort zones I've lived in and that's where true growth happens.

So, I kept praying. And actually, through a conversation with my husband who has always said he would support me with any job I choose, spoke up and said, "this is not the one" (speaking about my former position at the public school). It was scary to put ourselves out in faith when I didn't have any other options.

But I kept praying. Even with nothing in motion. I kept praying. And about a month ago, in May, I got a call to interview at the "perfect-world-scenario-school" I mentioned before. I planned as much as I could for the interview and I was a nervous wreck the day before, but moments before the interview as I sat in my car, I gave it to God.

"Lord. You know my heart. You can see my tomorrow and my next 50 years. I give this to you. Guide my words and my heart and let them be a reflection of you."

I sent this picture to my friends' group text to get some encouragement and prayer before the interview!

2 weeks after that interview, I received a call saying the position was mine! And while the interview was tough, I was weirdly comfortable in it. There's not many times that I confidently feel God's presence, although He never leaves me.  But in that office, in that space, in that space that I unknowingly had been praying for...for so long, I felt His presence. 

The crazy part was I already decided to put my kids in their preschool regardless of what school I was at. It's amazing how early you have to sign children up or they will loose their spot! So I did, while not even knowing they had a job opening, or I'd be their top pick for the English position, but God did.

Faith. Prayer. God's will.

Granted, God could have called me to stay home another year, and we would have made it work. But, there is such a peace about this decision for our family. Which can only be from God because I don't always adapt well to change. And this is a big one for us!

So I have two more months with my boys this summer to soak up this stay-at-home mom thing and see if there's any more growth I can squeeze out of it.  And as for the next season, I am ready.

Mrs. Joyce is headed back to the English classroom! 9th Grade! And of course praying along the way for all the fears and doubts that may creep in, yet we know full-well this is the right decision for our family.

Family picture at our church for our youngest son's dedication day.

As for the future of "Mommy-Revealed," I initially started it to reveal all the things about being a mom-- and more so-- a stay-at-home mom.  And i know I'll still have more moments and revelations to share...or perhaps this was just to be a part of my growth during this season?

Either way, thank you to all who have read and walked along this journey with me. And hopefully I've given some bits of insight along the way, too. It's a village. Always. 💙

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." - Ecc 3:1, 11

Do You Strive for Perfection?

"Why do you feel like you have to justify yourself to me? Is it something I have said to you?" asked a long time best friend over the phone.

"No, no. Its totally me. I don't know why I do that?" I told her apologetically.

She was referring to our conversation where I said "Oh, I probably should put him in time-out."(talking about when my oldest kicked my youngest while he was trying to get up on the couch.  Instead I just removed my youngest and sat him in the kitchen.)  Not the best parenting. But why did I have to justify it?

She continued, "For now on, you never need to justify yourself as a parent to me. Let's just move on from that. I'm not sitting over here judging you."    (Side note: How awesome is she?)

But I couldn't really give her a good answer until I thought about it after we hung up.

My job title is a "stay-at-home-mom."  I don't have a boss, a year-end review, or even a paycheck.  But it is my job.  And therefore, that is where I have put my value. My worth.  When the house is dirty, discipline is lacking, meals aren't properly divided into food groups, I feel the pressure of failure.  Then I feel the need to justify my duties when (in my mind) they aren't adequate.

My awesome kiddos.

I actually called my friend back and told her my revelation.  I explained further that it's hard to not have something else to put my pride and value in like a traditional paying job. (Crazy talk, I know.  Raising children is an important job.)   But nonetheless, that was it.  She reassured me of my worth yet I still kept thinking about this... my worth.


"Have I not commended you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." - Joshua 1:9 

I wrote the above verse on some computer paper and taped it on my refrigerator in hopes that I could memorize and meditate on it this week. 

Although literally slapped on my fridge, I was discouraged, and I didn't feel very strong.  But I did feel his presence.

My value is in Him.  Jesus gives me worth.

Here's the reality:  We all fail.  We fail at our jobs, we fail at parenting, we fail at our relationships...At some point, we let people down or don't get it all done. No one is perfect.

Our attempt at a perfect Christmas card picture. The boys aren't smiling. We used it anyway.

My life is no different.

There are lies saying I need to DO IT ALL. And -- do it well.  Do it right.  Put my worth in perfection.  Strive for perfection then I will have it all!  Don't we hear this all the time in our society?

It's just so wrong.  Jesus loves us at our worst.  He endured the pain for all of us. He sacrificed His life to pay for our sins--our imperfections--our failures.

He gave me Grace.

What a wonderful Heavenly reminder today.   Everyday I live in His Grace.

That doesn't mean to let my house go and children run wild, but when I fail, I am not defined by that failure.  My worth should not be in things of this world.  They will always let me down.  But He will never forsake me. 

I am defined as God's daughter.  I am so good in Him.

I will be strong.
I won't be discouraged.
He is with me wherever I go. 

The Birth Story I Didn't Write

Today is my son's first birthday, and I realized I've yet to post his birth story.  It's not that I haven't written it.  It is a draft, sitting in my list of posts waiting for me to hit the orange "publish" button.  But, I continue to read it and I just can't seem to do it.  It's a lot of," blah-blah-I'm-in-pain stuff" that I really don't even think about anymore.  At the time, it was intense and memorable, but it's not what I really want to remember.  So, I'll keep that story in my draft box just for me, but for you, I'm going to give you the "in a nutshell" version along with some of the things  I didn't write... 

Mommy and David

I birthed 21.5 inches and 10.1 pounds out of my vagina.  I should probably stop there because you can probably guess what I'm going to say next, but I'll give you a bit more detail.  It hurt. I screamed. A lot. I cried. A lot.  My husband, mom, and mother-in-law gave me lots of encouragement and hand-holding and I continued to push. And scream. And cry. And push. And scream. And cry.
I experienced a pain I didn't even know existed.
And then, it happened.
He was here.
And that is all that matters. 

Hospital photo. 2 days old

Here's what I didn't write in my previous post:

I didnt write that my husband held him first.  I watched them from my delievery bed and was so thankful for both of them.  That memory is forever engrained in my mind. 

I didnt write that when I held him for the first time, I realized love had no limit.  I love him just as much as my first son.  It was a beautiful moment. 

I didnt write that I should have brought 6 months clothing to the hospital for my son to wear. Newborn clothing just didn't fit. 

I didn't write the signifance of his name and how much thought we put into the perfect name for David Justave Joyce.  David was his great grandfather's name on his dad's side and Justave was the middle name of his great-great grandfather,Mandor Matson, from his mom's side. A name built from our family.

I didn't write about how much I enjoyed the couple days I had to focus on my new son and husband in the hopsital.  Although I missed my first born and he was enjoying some time with his grandparents, I loved the bonding time with our new son-- just the three of us. 

I didn't write about all of our wonderful extended family and friends who sent presents, called, texted, made us dinner, prayed and loved on us.  We felt so blessed to be on the minds and hearts of so many people. 

Carson first meets his baby brother

David, on your first birthday, I no longer worry or care about the pain during your birth.  (Although I may mention it when you are older as leverage.)

I celebrate the boy.  You are no longer my little baby.  I celebrate this past year as you have brought me such joy! I am so honored to be the mother that will help guide you on your path in life.  I pray daily for you. Sometimes it's small prayers like sleeping well throughout the night without me. And sometimes its big prayers, like becoming a man of character and wisdom.

You already have such a sweet heart and easy-going temperment that will serve you well in this life. 

Happy Birthday my big Bubba Bear, my Davey Baby, my Dave-Daves. 

I love you. 

David on his 1st birthday 9/2/15

Our family at David's 1st birthday party a few weeks ago.
It was shark themed at the beach!



David was a bit overwhelmed with his brother and cousins helping with present opening.

"Hey New Moms!...It Gets Easier, I Promise."

For over the past three years I have been preparing to get pregnant (IVF), pregnant, or nursing.  I also switched from a full time teacher to a full time mom. So it seems, at times, my mind and body have been taken hostage by two little guys for a long time.  And, just now, I am finally getting a chance to breath.  I may be inhaling the musky scent of dirty diapers and spit up, but I feel like I have made it through some tough days with my young boys and am no longer consumed by them.  I feel I am more of a well-rounded mother, friend, and spouse.  Sure, the chaos is still there.  But I have a hold on it.  I've done some things and created some habits that have made my life...dare I say it? Easier.  And I want you to know (if you feel like you are just trying to survive each day), it definitely gets better...

My second son's first boat ride

A good friend of mine, who has two boys under three years of age and a third baby girl on the way, gave me some great advice when I was going through the sleep deprived first days with my second son. She told me,"It can't last forever.  It's a stage.  It's just a season of your life."  She then preceded to tell me about her troubles dealing with her son's separation anxiety and how she is using that same positive realistic mentality to tell herself that he can't feel this way forever either.  "Its a stage.  It's a season of time.  It won't last forever." Those simple words were amazingly reassuring. She gave me the strength I needed to get through that particular stage with my son realizing it only lasts for a short time.  

I don't think there's an exact science to when a mother feels in control or finally comfortable with her new role.  Each mom's story is different.  Each child is different.  But here are a few things that have made all the difference in my life:

1.  My children are no longer newborns. Sure, the newborn stage is adorable (if you're not the one taking care of him all day).  There are some sweet memories I have of my sons as newborns, but I have to say the back half of their first year of life is so much sweeter.  I am in love with my 9-month-old who is crawling by himself, feeding himself, and playing great by himself.  He sleeps through the night, too! You get the benefits of having a squishy adorable baby around while at the same time enjoying a little relief from the constant neediness a newborn requires.  So in this case, time is what I needed.  I'm glad I was able to experience that stage with them, but more relieved I'm out of it. 

Both my boys love this Fisher Price Play Door

2.   I stopped nursing.  Breastfeeding has never been my thing.  I was always awkward at it, but knew I needed to give it a fair try.  I told myself I would do all I could to nurse at least 6 months.   I actually continued until month 8 with both of my boys! Yes, I know the benefits of breastfeeding, and yes, I know it can be easier and cheaper at times, but this was my decision. I am proud of the months I nursed. (That was a disclaimer to all the momma's who want to give me a guilt trip.)  With my first son, I felt very guilty for stopping.  I was waiting to get permission, or the final "okay" from other mothers I knew.  And that's just plain silly. I know what's best for me and my children, not any other mom. It's okay to stop. And therefore, for me, it got easier.

His first taste of spaghetti!

3.  I got a gym membership!  I recommend this to any mom, more specifically, any stay-at-home mom!  Now that my body is solely mine, meaning no one needs it for their survival, I can finally feel in control if it again.  Is my post-baby body where I want it to be?  Heck no.  But I am doing something about it.  I go to the gym 5 days a week.  And before you think, "wow she's got some crazy discipline," my incentive is not to exercise; it's because I want a break from my kids!  My gym has a play area with amazing staff members to watch them.   My boys play with other kids, sing songs, and do arts and crafts.  And for 1-2 hours, I have freedom.  It may be a cement inclosure with smelly sweaty people all around me, but it's very liberating.  I take classes where people kick my butt more than I could ever do on my own, and I get to be a part of the adult world!  Sometimes, I run on the treadmill for 20 minutes, do some ab work and then hide away in the women's bathroom where I blissfully take a hot shower, shave my legs and blow dry my hair!  It has been so good for me to get some time away from my children along with getting my body in shape! 

4. We have a list of babysitters-- and use them! For a long time, I didn't use babysitters.  I had one babysitter that I knew and used her 3 times in 2 years.  Without family here to help watch our children, we don't get much time away from our kids.  So, I made it my mission to get some some quality babysitters, so when one is unavailable, I can ask the next one on the list!  Even if I don't use them regularly, it has rid me of that "trapped" feeling I used to get when I wanted to do something that required child-care but had no options.  Now, I know a babysitter is a phone call away if I want a to go on a date with my husband, get my hair highlighted at the salon, or attend a funeral--all in which I have called a sitter for!  I'm no longer letting the child-care issue be an excuse to not live my life how I fully desire!

First date night in a while. We sat at a bar and ate hamburgers. 

5.  My children run on a daily schedule.  (Now that I don't have a newborn, this is actually possible!) For anyone who knows me well, scheduling and organizing are not my forte.  I have to work to be good at it.  And just like in my teaching years, I know that a well organized and scheduled classroom equals success.  I take that same philosophy toward my parenting style.  We have routines with eating, sleeping and playing.  My children are used to it, and so am I.  If my plans do go awry or something comes up, I try to embrace it the best I can and regroup the next day!

6.  I am part of a community.  I didn't realize how lonely it can be staying at home with my children.  Of course I have my loving husband who works hard but still finds the time to be with us in the afternoons and weekends, but as a stay-at-home-mom in a city that I've yet to fully call home, I have realized more than ever the importance of women in my life.  My best friends and family, my mom friends, and my spiritual friends are all important to me, and I need them on a daily basis!  I make more of a point to call or text my best friends--even if they are miles away.  I plan play dates with my mom friends and their children.  I've even met them in some funny places including the bank and the zoo!  And lastly, I adore my Bible study group.  We have been meeting for the past 3 years where we spend time in God's word.   We are in different stages of life and may not all be best friends, but we pray for each other and always have one another to confide in.   So through all of these different women in my life, I make a point to stay connected.

Two of my best friends and their baby bumps!

As I was pulling groceries out of the car this morning a woman walked by with two preschool aged children in a double-stroller and saw my two boys fussing in the car while I tried to balance more bags than humanly possible on my arms.  She gave me a sweet smile and said, "Don't worry, it gets easier."  I had to chuckle right then and there because I had already written this post and was just waiting to add a few pictures.  I thought I did have it more together, yet she saw me and, I am guessing, was remembering the time her own children were my sons' ages.  So, I guess, my friends, it's all relative.  

Who knows if my life may get thrown up in the air again as I go through the different stages with my sons or anything else life may throw at me?  But I know I am much more grounded and prepared for it.  And as my children grow older, and I grow (hopefully) wiser, juggling all the balls of motherhood don't seem so scary.  I got this.  And, so do you.  

12 ways I know I am a Stay-at-Home Mom

Now that I've had some time to get used to this mommy thing, and being my boys' primary caretaker, (pretty much 24-hours-a-day) I've started to notice some interesting things about myself when I am away from my children (and when I've been with them a little too long...) and this particular way of life that seems to scream, "Stay-at-Home Mom"!

1.  Driving in the car solo is truly a liberating experience. No crying or whining in the backseat is quite heavenly. 

2.  Walking into any store ALONE, without a car seat, stroller, hand to hold, or baby to wear makes me feel naked. I have at least one double-check, heart-skip-a-beat, I-left-my-baby-somewhere freak out moment!

3.  I get excited for my annual gyno appointment.  Someone's watching my kids?  I'll take a stranger looking at my private parts while I blissfully read gossip magazines any day!  (That didn't come out right.  You get my point.) 

4. When the kids are napping I realize I am STILL watching "Micky Mouse Clubhouse".

5.  I talk the ears off the cashier lady at Publix because I haven't had adult conversation in hours.

6.  Getting ready for the day (like actually showering, blow-drying hair, and putting on make-up) is an exhausting experience.  I have to plan it out: shower while they nap, blow-dry while they are occupied with blocks, apply make-up in one hand while baby is in the other... And since that ain't happenin' every day, I'd like to refer you to...

7. The Uniform:  T-shirt, Yoga Pants, running shoes and a pony-tail are the look-of-choice these days. I'm feeling good when I can quickly put on deodorant, brush my teeth and slap on some face lotion, bronzer and chap-stick!

8.  My kid-less friends and even, at times, my husband wonder what I do all day.  Sigh.  No comment. 

9.  Getting out of the house once a day is a must!  Even the sweetest angel baby can turn into a devil child when cabin fever comes upon him.  Which brings me to my next point...

10.   I know about every community playground, fast-food play area, pet-store, splash-pad, and park in the 10-mile radius around my home.  
  

11.  Crock-Pot meals are a way of life.  The witching hour is a REAL thing.

12.  I secretly love that my first born is a Daddy's boy.  When my husband comes home from work, I am no longer needed. (Insert happy, mischievous smile here.) 


There are plenty more things that have changed in my life since my two boys have arrived and my choice to stay at home with them really has been awesome! I am so grateful for the time that I am able to give to them and help shape them into the men they are going to become. Not to mention, I love being there for every milestone moment. It's definitely been fun. So, please know I say some of these things in jest.  I really do love being a SAHM.  

Now someone call me a babysitter.  

We Rest on Sunday

Sunday. The chill day.  The lazy day. The relax day.  The peace after the chaos and the calm before the storm. 

God knows His people so well.  He knows our needs and we need Sunday.   He worked to make the heavens and the earth, the sky and the seas, the animals of the earth and the people in it.  But when He was done,  He rested.  He also made sure to mention in His Good Book that we should also rest. Our bodies and souls need it. 

Today is Sunday.  And it is beautiful.  No church for us today since our children are coming off from having the flu, but I have been intentional about making sure I rest today.  Boy, did my body need it after caring for two kids with the flu all week.  This mama is tired. 

My house at the moment is blissfully quiet.  There are no loud toys making obnoxious noises and the kid's channel is turned off on the television.   My husband and young baby are in the Master bedroom snoozing away, and I just put my other son down for a nap is his bedroom.  I can still hear a faint  "vroom-vroom" sound as he mimics car sounds while he plays with his favorite monster truck one last time before his eyes get too heavy to play anymore.

 

I just had some wonderful down-time with my almost 2-year-old son.  We rested together.  We sat together on his kid-sized Jake and the Neverland Pirate couch and played games on the i-pad together.  As I watched his face light up to learning colors and numbers, I started to melt inside.  My mind drifted as I watched my blonde-haired, big beautiful brown-eyed boy playing in the glow of the tablet.  I thought about this life and if he or I left it too soon.  It is a bit morbid, but sometimes when I think about love so much, I start to think about the possibility of it being taken away.  I thought about some of the people I  know who have lost people on this earth far too early, and my heart started to get heavy.  In that small moment, I soaked up all I could of my precious boy.  I hugged him a little harder and kissed him multiple times on the cheek.  I even told him I was going to eat him up like a banana in which he giggled at that silly thought.

 

I don't know what the future holds.  But I have today.   I have my family on this peaceful Sunday.  And for that, I am overwhelmingly grateful. 

A Letter to My 3rd Trimester Body

I feel a bit bad writing this to you since we were on such good terms the past couple months.  Yes, I have finally forgiven you for the issues from 1^st trimester.  You finally understood that nausea all day long was just not working.  Puking to every little smell that didn’t please you was putting a serious cramp in my day.  I never thought I’d say that I now enjoy changing my son’s poopy diapers just for the fact that I don’t have to chuck my breakfast into the waste basket while doing it.  So, I really tried to give you the benefit of the doubt thinking we were on better terms with one another.  But, here we are again.  And I have some serious issues to discuss with you…

I think you have gone overboard with the “glow” everyone talks about one having during pregnancy.  You have taken it way too literally.  To “glow” does not mean sweat out of every pore in your body.  Under boob sweat is not attractive.  I will leave it at that.

Now, what is going on with the vagina pain?  Seriously.  I feel like someone has hit me with a baseball bat straight to the groin.  You have reduced me to having to hold on to the ledge of my dresser just to put my underwear on in the morning.  My pride is gone—especially when my husband has to help.   

I am drained.  You have made me think sitting on the couch all day is the only way to survive.  Yet, that is just not a viable option.   Please give me some energy back.  It feels like a huge triumph just to get the kitchen cleaned.   I know you would like me to sleep all day long.  That would be just dandy, huh? Well life goes on and I need you to buck up and get moving!

And how? Just how do you justify yourself making me feel exhausted all day long, yet once night comes, insomnia kicks in?!  I have gone to great lengths to make you feel comfortable.  I have taken up most of the king size bed that I share with my husband for you.  I have bought a very expensive pillow just for you.   I have my own blanket at night since you can’t make up your mind whether you are cold or hot, or dripping with sweat… all for you.  I have kept the “throw” pillows on the bed just so I can lay in more of an incline so I can breathe better for you.   So, why then do you feel the need to keep me up half the night?  I lay looking at the clock watching the hours go by because I am so uncomfortable.  And, then.  Say I do FINALLY get comfortable, or at a place I think will give me the rest I need, YOU HAVE TO GO PEE!  Can’t a woman catch a break!  These bathroom trips are seriously getting excessive.   

 

Ahhh… the bathroom.  We have become good friends.  Now, nearing the end of this pregnancy, I make constant trips, which are usually all teasers.  Please, just wait a bit for when the bladder is actually full.  Do not be deceived by the little baby pressing on it. 

Can we talk about diet for a second?  Don’t you know that vegetables, fruit and protein are all things you need to be healthy and keep that baby healthy?  Then why?  Why do you crave sugar and carbs!?  The grocery store has been a serious challenge.  I would like to have some sort of will power when I go, yet it’s like you put a trance over me.  I don’t know how you do it, but somehow those chocolate muffins and popsicles sneak their way into the cart.  I know you are behind this!  Please. I am nearing the end.  My maternity clothes don’t even fit!  My husband’s shirts don’t cover this belly.  Can you just crave some dang broccoli?

 

And lastly, all these physical ailments have definitely put me in that category of “grump”.  I try so hard to be pleasant.  My husband constantly asks me, “What’s wrong”.  I know he’s just trying to show he cares, but even the very question makes me cringe.  I respond with various answers each time, trying not to make a big deal, but this is what I’d really like to say...

"What do you think is wrong? You idiot. Don’t you see this huge watermelon I’m carrying around? How would you like to walk around with what feels like a giant bowling ball attached to your abdomen all day? I’m pregnant!  And that means a whole heck of a lot of things that I don’t feel like explaining to you!” 

So, in the efforts to NOT EVER say that to my husband, and save my marriage, let’s start to work together on this a bit.

So here’s my final plea:  Can you please ease up on all these symptoms?  We are almost there.  The home stretch.  I do not doubt the miracle you are making.  And I know it’s worth every ache and pain you present to me.  But, I’m begging you.  I can’t take much more of this.  Focus on keeping that baby healthy and try, just try, to help a mama out!  Thank you for listening. I really think together we can make some positive changes!

Wait.  What’s that?  You’re tired? Tired of trying to remember certain words to type that usually come to you so simply?

Yea. Ok, let’s go.  I think there’s a place on the couch to rest and a chocolate muffin with your name on it. 

Our Mini-Babymoon!

Before the arrival of your new bundle of joy, the new trend is to have a "Babymoon".  Really, it's just a fancy way of saying, "A-Weekend-Get-Away-Before-Total-Chaos-Ensues".  It's a chance for Mom and Dad to relax and have some time together before their lives are forever changed by their new miracle. 

My husband and I thought this sounded fantastic! A weekend just to ourselves? With no child? Eating together, relaxing together, talking about things other than our kid?  Sign us up!  And, my parents even offered to come watch our son.  Well, life got in the way and we were running out of options for weekends.  So, our dream babymoon weekend turned into a half-day at the spa...and we were not complaining one bit.

You see, when life changed with children, time also changed.  Time became more valuable.  Very valuable.

Before children, I was liberal with my time.  Slept in, binged watched episodes on Netflix, full days of shopping, long dinners out to eat... I never thought about how long I would be doing various activities.  I didn't worry about when my child would wake up, or how much more money I'd have to pay the babysitter, time was not an issue.

So, with time being a factor, we were able to make a half-day at a spa work for us. We were also on a limited budget, so we liked the idea of spending our money on particular luxuries instead of on time (for instance, a 2-night hotel stay). 

We woke up at 8 a.m. (even before my son awoke) and got ready for our spa day. My husband wasn't too excited since it was a work day for him and couldn't seem to get the stress of work off his mind.  He also didn't know how nice of a place we were actually going to...

Ponte Vedra Inn is located in Ponte Vedra, Florida.  Just trust me when I say it's one of the nicest places I think anyone could go for a vacation or spa visit. 



Outside the Spa.  35 weeks pregnant.

 

We arrived at 8:40 a.m. where we were shown our respective locker rooms to put our belongings in and changed into our provided robes and slippers.  Brett and I met each other outside of the bathrooms and we were like giddy school children awaiting a surprise.

Secretly taking a selfie in my robe since phones were forbidden. =/

 

At 9:00 a.m. we were already sitting in massage chairs and getting pedicures (Brett's first pedicure).  It was fabulous to relax and be pampered together.  Rarely do we do get to do things like this as a couple.

The rest of the day followed with hanging out in the steam room, Jacuzzi (Brett did at least, I relaxed in the meditation room and read a magazine), lunch poolside, drinks poolside, and a maternity massage for me.  We also enjoyed the pool since it was a hot summer day.  And when I say we, I really mean me.  Being 35 weeks pregnant, I felt amazing and weightless in that pool!

My sexy hubby poolside

 

 drinking cucumber mint infused water

 

We left the spa spending a pretty penny, but it was so worth it! We left around 2:00 p.m. and I have to say, we were both more relaxed than we had been in a long time.  Brett was also able to forget about work for a while.  We had the time to just be husband and wife again.   

Before children, I don't think I would have appreciated a 5-hour vacation. I don't think I would have called that a vacation at all.  But, when you're a stay-at-home-mom with no family in town to watch your children on a normal basis, a 5 hour get-away is glorious! We didn't even have to pay for a babysitter!  Grandparents are awesome!

picture my dad sent us while we were at the spa. =)

Brett and I both talked about how those 5 hours rejuvenated us - our bodies, our minds, our relationship.  It was special.  Of course we would have taken a full weekend get-away, but we considered it time and money well spent.  The babymoon was a success.  Now bring on the baby! =)

The "Let It Ride" Mentality

"Get that DAMN thing out of my room!" I screamed at my older sister when I was around 9 years old about a toy I didn't want her to put in my room.  She gasped and yelled to our mom in the other room, "MoOOOom, Dianna just used a cuss word!"

I immediately started bawling my eyes out. I felt horrible.  I hated breaking the rules, and I hated even more having my mother upset with me.  I crawled into my bed and stuffed my head between my knees embarrassed at the events that just occurred.  My mother didn't even punish me, but consoled me as I cried on the bed.  Not a normal disciplinary action for a parent to have, but I was really shaken up. 

Shy as a young girl, I never was the one to break the mold.  I tended to stay within the lines. I was a rule follower.  As an adult, my rule following turned more into being overly cautious or worse, a lack of spontaneity.  My husband would roll his eyes at some of the things I worried about that the "average" person wouldn't think twice about. 

We were on our way to the beach.  It was packed.  There were no parking spots in sight.  My husband thought to park at our old place and walk the block to the beach.  I responded with, "That's ILLEGAL, we don't live there anymore."  He tends to laugh at me when I say this because I emphasize the word where my eyes get real big and my voice gets high-pitched like a little girl.  Needless to say, we drove around another 10 minutes until a spot opened up, because, of course, parking in our old apartment complex is, no doubt,  ILLEEEEEEGAL!
 
Being a first-time parent hasn't helped the situation.  Within my son's first year of life, I would definitely have classified myself as an overly protective parent.  I was just doing innately what I felt was right. I even wrote about it here, I Can Have a Life, And a Baby, Too!

But now as my son enters toddlerdom, (is that a word?) a different side of me has returned.  I say returned because there have been times in my life where I have, say, let my hair down. This care-free spontaneous side was most prevalent during my college years.  And, of course it was! My only worry was making it to class on time in the morning!  I didn't have the worries of finances, jobs, future planning, house-tending, and baby-caring that I do now.  I learned to love life, live a little, and maybe break a few rules along the way.

A close sorority sister even wrote me a letter one time and told me how she loved my life's mantra, which she claimed I answered life's dilemma's with the phase, "let it ride."  (What?  I said this hippy, throw-caution-to-the-wind saying, and said it enough that she took notice? ) She continued to tell me another time how she enjoyed my care-free spirit in which I didn't let things "ruffle my feathers".  I just shook my head up and down slowly taking full credit of this life-view, "oh yeah, that's my motto, LET IT RIDE!"  That was one of the best compliments anyone had ever given me.

So why is this "let it ride" mentality coming to light again?   For one thing, I am much more comfortable in my skin as a mom.  I understand that there are many different parenting styles (no one right answer) for the many different types of children.  Although I may be knocked down, confused, scared, or overwhelmed as a parent, I will never cease to give my children the best care I can.  And, now that my little one has become a toddler, his care-free nature of just being a kid has rubbed off on me.  And it's been really, really, refreshing. 

For instance...

Huge fistful's of sand in his mouth? Sure, why not?

Or grapes covered in the sand for a snack? Yuummmy!

Pacifier fell on the ground? 5 second rule.

Throwing dirt out of my flower pots? I'll buy more. 

Baby Poop on the back porch? Hose it off.  (You have to be a parent, I think, to understand this one.)

Playing in the fountain at the zoo because the splash pad is full of big kids? A little reclaimed water has never hurt anyone.  ;) 

Going into Dillard's to buy socks for Daddy but have a spontaneous Hide-And-Go-Seek game in the clothes with my son instead?  Total Mommy Win.  Sorry sales clerk.


I told me husband a couple days ago how I've really started to feel more comfortable when it comes to raising Carson.  Of course I will instill discipline and respect, but I want to be the mom that can forget responsibilities for a minute, or a time-schedule, or even proper etiquette sometimes for the chance to make fun, lasting memories with my children.  This is my one life. 

I'm excited and encouraged to see this side of me blossom.  I look to the future with a full heart and smile as I know I will, "let it ride" more often. 

Would You End Your Life to Save Your Child's? A Glimpse into a Parent's Love.

I feel like the English language really fell short in relation to the word, "love".  Sitting here, trying to describe just how much I love my 1-year-old child, the word, love, just seems to fall flat. LOVE.  It doesn't have the power, the oomph, the extraordinary element that I'm going for to truly describe my love for my son.  It's like going and seeing the most beautiful place on earth and you want to take a picture of it to capture the moment to show to your friends, yet, when you view the picture, it in NO WAY gives the landscape justice.  You just have to go and see it for yourself.  In the same way, I could try to explain to you a mother's love, yet, the only way you will truly get it, is to experience it yourself.  So in my best efforts to explain to you how much I love my child -- a love I've never felt before-- I am most likely going to fall short.  I do somewhat blame it on our English language and society.  We love to overuse or wrongly use this word in SO many ways...



Yes, my son gets that excited over a $10 Slip N' Slide!  

I mean, there is the most popular way in which we love our family, our parents, our spouses, our dogs... but even on a daily basis, I find myself having an attachment or feeling towards certain things that go beyond the word, like, and therefore I would say I love them:

I love my $4 bronzer from Walmart
I love the novel, To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
I love Pad Thai
I love an ice-cold Diet Coke
I love receiving a hand-written card in the mail

I do.  I LOVE these things.  And our stupid language couldn't find other words to explain that feeling besides using that particular word. 

So, you see my predicament.  Because our English language overuses or lacks a variety of other words that would be a perfect synonym for which I LOVE those things, it's making it very difficult for me to express to you the new love I have for my 1-year-old son and my other son growing inside me without leaving you feeling emotionless or stagnant to that word.

HOW DO I TELL YOU!?!?

It's LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE times a million!

Love seeing that face as our son opens his presents on Christmas morning!

So in my efforts of trying to describe the indescribable, I've added a word in front of it:

Selfless Love. 

My definition:  A love that puts others before yourself. A love that continually gives without contingency. 

That is how I feel about my son and my other son inside me.  Still no affect?

How 'bout I try to explain it to you through a story...

I remember a conversation with my husband when I was pregnant with my first son:

He said something along the lines of," You know, if something happens where we have to pick between you or the baby during delivery, I want you to live."

I said, "Yea, I agree."

It wasn't a long conversation.  But it was apparent that we would choose my life over the baby's.  Of course, we didn't like the conversation and it gave us both a wave of sadness, but that was our reality.  My husband couldn't imagine life without me, and I couldn't imagine leaving this earth quite yet.  Judge all you want, that was our truth. 

Remember me trying to describe to you this selfless love thing...well...

WOAH!  Would I have made the biggest mistake!  Now that I have met my little guy and know the love I have for him, I think back to that conversation and wonder who that woman was!  I would choose my son a million times over before keeping my life.  I've lived my life.  (Yes, of course I'd like more time, but I know there is a heaven waiting for me.  I will be okay.)  Just don't end my son's life!  He has a full life ahead of him!  Thank God we never even came close to that decision because we would have made the wrong one. 

Experiencing the sea life on Daddy's boat for the first time

  

Now that I am pregnant with baby #2, there is NO doubt in my mind that I would do everything in my power to save my child before saving my own life.  I know I am going to have that same love for my next child that I have for my first son.  So, if my husband and I were to repeat the same conversation this go around, my answer would be quite different.  Choose the baby over me. 

Baby Boy #2 with me at my Best Friend's Wedding

So, hopefully this can give you a glimpse into a parent's love.  I have learned what it means to truly love selflessly.  To not only love someone as much as I love myself, but I love someone more than myself.  I would give my life to save theirs. 

I guess Jesus knew a thing or two about what he was talking about, because he couldn't have said it better than in the 15th chapter of John:

"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.  Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

Jesus died for me.  He chose me over himself that I may have life.  Like I said, I wouldn't hesitate to end my life for my sons'.  And, of a course, its also a healthy reminder to have this "selfless love" for others!

Now, that is love.  And, if you feel I have failed in my explanation of a parent's love, just like the picture of the beautiful landscape, you just have to go experience it for yourself.



Our son's 1st Birthday. Baby #2 in the belly!

We Know the Gender!

My husband and I gave our final guesses last night before we went to bed...

"Girl." My husband says.

"Boy." I say.

Secretly, I think we both said the gender we were both a bit scared of having. Scared of the unknown, you could say.  He grew up with one brother and I grew up with one sister. What you know is always easier.   He knows boys...and I know girls...

And now I know boys, too. We have a ball-throwing, furniture-moving, dirt-grabbing vivacious little one-year-old boy who is going to be a big brother in September.

So, I guess it's going to be all dirt and dump trucks 'round here because...

We are having another boy!

Brett and I drove separately to the OBGYN this morning and on our way out I looked at him while laughing and said, "I guess I'm going to need to toughen up! All boys in the house!"

I drove home thinking about what my future is going to look like with two boys: weekends filled with backyard dirt piles and bugs in jars, sports games and wrestling, loud farts and burps.

I even think to when they get older and meet girls. (My heartbeat spikes a bit.) I can't imagine my babies growing up and liking girls!  How do I talk to boys about stuff like that? And then my anxiety lessens as I realize they have an amazing dad as a God-fearing, loving man to look up to! 

I'm so excited for our future and our boy-filled home!

I guess I should finally learn how to rig a fishing pole...Brett's been bugging me to learn. ;)

 

 

Are Toys Really Necessary?

Our house is full of toys.  I told myself that I never wanted our living room to look like a gigantic playroom, but somehow the coffee table moved in front of the fireplace for more play room, and toys line the rug in the middle of floor, all for the joy of our little baby to play! Well, I've started to notice that many of the toys seem to sit collecting dust while many other things in the house are getting played with quite often.  My son enjoys many things that are well, flat out, not toys. 

Here's a few of his favorite "non-toy toys":

1.  Doors.

 

 

Although my son hasn't mastered door opening (I know it's coming soon!) he loves to shut them.  And since he can't open them quite yet on his own, I am right there to open them again for him, then he closes, then I open, then he closes...you get the idea. Maybe monotonous, but he loves it! He especially loves when I scare the poo poo of out him by getting really low to the ground like him and have my face right in the door as I open it.  I usually proceed with a "Boo" or "I'm Gonna Getcha!" in which he jumps, giggles, and shuts the door.  And we start the process all over again. 


2.  Pots and Pans. 

(I didn't have a pic of Carson in the kitchen with pots

and pans, but he loves the decorative pot in our bedroom. 

I tend to find lots of funny, random things inside.)

 

 

We have child safety locks on all our bottom cabinets in the kitchen except for the ones that hold the pots and pans, on purpose!  Carson loves to open the cabinets and pull out everything inside banging the pots and pans and pushing them all over the tile floor.  It's awesome.  He's entertained.  He's safe.  He's in my sight.  And, I can cook dinner!  Probably the best "non-toy toy"!


3.  Clothes - Especially Socks. 

 

 

When I need to fold the laundry, I grab the warm clothes from the dryer and dump them in the middle of the floor of our living room.  Carson thinks it is so fun to jump on all the warm clothes and cuddle with them.  He also likes to throw the clothes all around the room. (It's not as cute once I've folded the clothes, but I've smartened up and now place the folded clothes on top of the couch out of his reach.)  He also likes sock balls.  I didn't always call them "sock balls", but since Carson loves balls and loves to throw balls, folded socks now become "balls" as well.  We've had many sock ball throwing sessions!


4.  The Remote Control. 

 

 

Carson loves to play with the remote, push the buttons and see them light up.  I also think he likes it so much because he sees it in his mommy and daddy's hands as well.  He also knows to point it at the T.V. (I think that's a bit of a hint that we watch too much television).  Anyway, I smartened up here too, because giving my child the remote during my favorite recorded show all for him to turn it to divorce court or "On-Demand" gets a bit frustrating. So, I took an old remote, removed the batteries, and let the little kid go nuts!


5. Toilet Paper. 

 

 

My son is active, very active.  So when I have to use the bathroom, I take him with me.  I don't trust him in the living room or bedroom by himself, so we take bathroom breaks.  He has learned that the toilet paper roll and the extra rolls are quite fun to pull apart.  This "toy" could get quite pricey if you think I would just throw away the mess once he was done.  Nope, I definitely fold it up and place it on the counter to use when I need it.  The things we do...


It's interesting to try to look at life through my one-year-old's eyes.  He wakes up each day ready to explore and learn something new.  He views each "toy" as something to figure out.  The sounds, the feel, unfortunately the taste, too, of many things he shouldn't... But the world is there, waiting for him to enjoy and discover it!  Everything is a "toy".  I truly treasure his innocence and playfulness toward life, and to his toys, and of course to his non-toy toys, too!